Ch. 16: Love, Anger, Guilt, and Hate Part 1

If a memory could be erased quickly as that, easy as that, and this guilt could easily be snatched away off my chest, I might have found myself standing beside her, my best friend, who's lying on hospital bed,  who needs me at the moment, but here I am... holding my knees. My forehead pressed against my arms, forcing the sweat to sully on the sleeves of my jacket. My knees shakily drawn up in front of me. I saw nothing as the hiccups raced with the bursts of my tears.  

"Stupid...Stupid!" My tongue is at rest, but my heart isn't. I know I should not have acted like this.  I know I should have rushed inside the building and faced the shadows of  doctors and nurses stood in the operation room with their hands covered with blood-- the blood of my mother.

I couldn't understand her reasons as I felt the ice crept up through my bones. How could my mother had chosen to give her life and left me for her?

I didn't want to know about the baby. All I wanted was my mother.

But I knew I could not escape her anymore as I held her in my arms.

My heart melt by her warmth. She looked so much like her. She was the exact resemblance of my mother. My hands began to tremble. I was so afraid that she would slip out of my grips and fall onto the floor, so I held her close and tucked her, sniffing her thin hairs as they brushed against my cheek.

                                 

Her eyes closed tight and she yawned as she finally asleep. My fingers caressed her pluffy cheek  as she held my thumb tightly in her sleep.

Time went by and  she became more than my sister. She was my best friend.

Theme Song: Keep Breathing by Inggrid Michaelson

I love her

and I watched her until she was able to sleep on her own bed. Tucking her at night, I told her stories about Thumbelina and about a fish trying to find his son after getting caught by the fisherman's net.

And as I fixed her blanket --ready to say good night to her -- she asked me to let the light on because she was afraid of the monsters who might leap out of the closet. I chuckled because she reminded me of myself. I was  scared of so many things when I was in her age. Waking up at night and found the bed was wet, mom rushed to see me crying. She hugged me and kissed me on the forehead, letting me to sleep by her side until the morning came. Later, my mother told me that as long as I have these butterfly hair pins she gave to me, I would be okay and that the monster would cease and disappear long before they could even open the door, so  I gave my sister one of those pins and told her that momma would always be there for us.

But now... I know I need more than this butterfly hair pin. Death have taken my sister... right there, inside that building as she held my thumb tightly before she let it go forever.


And now, death is going to take my best friend.

Tell me how life is fair?