Ch. 16: Love, Anger, Guilt, and Hate Part 1

If a memory could be erased quickly as that, easy as that, and this guilt could easily be snatched away off my chest, I might have found myself standing beside her, my best friend, who's lying on hospital bed,  who needs me at the moment, but here I am... holding my knees. My forehead pressed against my arms, forcing the sweat to sully on the sleeves of my jacket. My knees shakily drawn up in front of me. I saw nothing as the hiccups raced with the bursts of my tears.  

"Stupid...Stupid!" My tongue is at rest, but my heart isn't. I know I should not have acted like this.  I know I should have rushed inside the building and faced the shadows of  doctors and nurses stood in the operation room with their hands covered with blood-- the blood of my mother.

I couldn't understand her reasons as I felt the ice crept up through my bones. How could my mother had chosen to give her life and left me for her?

I didn't want to know about the baby. All I wanted was my mother.

But I knew I could not escape her anymore as I held her in my arms.

My heart melt by her warmth. She looked so much like her. She was the exact resemblance of my mother. My hands began to tremble. I was so afraid that she would slip out of my grips and fall onto the floor, so I held her close and tucked her, sniffing her thin hairs as they brushed against my cheek.

                                 

Her eyes closed tight and she yawned as she finally asleep. My fingers caressed her pluffy cheek  as she held my thumb tightly in her sleep.

Time went by and  she became more than my sister. She was my best friend.

Theme Song: Keep Breathing by Inggrid Michaelson

I love her

and I watched her until she was able to sleep on her own bed. Tucking her at night, I told her stories about Thumbelina and about a fish trying to find his son after getting caught by the fisherman's net.

And as I fixed her blanket --ready to say good night to her -- she asked me to let the light on because she was afraid of the monsters who might leap out of the closet. I chuckled because she reminded me of myself. I was  scared of so many things when I was in her age. Waking up at night and found the bed was wet, mom rushed to see me crying. She hugged me and kissed me on the forehead, letting me to sleep by her side until the morning came. Later, my mother told me that as long as I have these butterfly hair pins she gave to me, I would be okay and that the monster would cease and disappear long before they could even open the door, so  I gave my sister one of those pins and told her that momma would always be there for us.

But now... I know I need more than this butterfly hair pin. Death have taken my sister... right there, inside that building as she held my thumb tightly before she let it go forever.


And now, death is going to take my best friend.

Tell me how life is fair?



***

Marie Louvre flopped herself down on the hot asphalt. After rushing off from home, wearing her rumpled old jeans and a white linen jacket -- anything she could grab in a matter of second -- and after standing in the line of queue of women and men trying to get inside the building while paramedics were cutting through their way, only to find herself frozen looking at a woman covered in blood lying on a stretcher pushed by the paramedics through the gate.

Nausea filled her in her throat and so she ran to the back of the building. Her palms pressed against the rough asphalt, head faced down while the memories were closing in upon her. Dark, fiery shadows crept beneath her feet, emerging up while their nails were clutching for her guts.

Taunting her with every dark side of it.

"Are you okay?"

She lifted her chin and saw a man stood before her looking down with his green eyes and panting breaths. He must have thought how weird she really was for squatting down on the asphalt with tears rolling down on her cheek.

"Need help?"

"It's -It's okay." Marie propped herself up on her left arm and quickly wiped the tears with the back of her right hand.

"You're crying? Here." The man dived into his pocket and gave her his handkerchief.

It was white, clean, not like a man would usually bring around with, and the man was probably doing his jogging. Marie could tell that from his outerwear and his running shoes. Strangely though, and amazingly, he wasn't that sweating, but still... shouldn't he have brought a small towel with him instead?

"I... "

"It's okay. Seems you really need it." He smiled.

Marie slightly nodded. Actually, she's not the type of girl who would talk to strangers and to receive something from them -- especially a man's handkerchief and stick it to her face-- but the friendly smile of this man had encouraged her to take it.

"Thank you." She said as she handed the handkerchief back to him, but then she realized of how dirty the handkerchief might have become. "Sorry."

"It's okay." The man smiled, bowing his head down. Sunlight flashed across his face, beaming it so innocently. She could see a glimpse of his smile.

"Be- beautiful teeth. You have beautiful teeth there." Marie bit her upper lip. It's such a stupid thing for her to say and she didn't mean to flirt on him, but it's true that his teeth were beautiful.

"Thanks." He chuckled. His laughter grew thinner. "Are you visiting? A friend, family?"

"Friend." Marie lowered her gaze. He's  making her nervous and there's something about the man seemed so familiar to her.

"Do I know you?" He winced, apparently thinking the same.

"I- I guess. Are - Aren't you the doctor who treated Rose last night? Rose. Rosaline white?."

"Rose? Oh, yes, but I think we've met somewhere before. Aren't you the girl that..."

The doctor paused, blinking. She knew there would only be one reason for that. The doctor would have remembered her as the girl. "Whom her sister died from leukemia?"

The doctor went silent, but nodded.

"I know you would still remember me, doctor, especially after what..." Especially after the scene she had made in the hospital, crying and yelling to the nurses and him also, but...

"But you should not have given us false hope! Didn't you know she suffered a lot? You should have done more for her! It's - it's all your fault!"

Marie turned her head to see a boy suddenly cried. The boy's ice cream dropped, fear and shock went all over him.

"Come dear lad," The boy's father came and picked him up. "It's okay. It's only an ice cream." Albert Fouchier, the boy's father said. His voice was soft.

"See you again, Henry!" The man waved his hands, smiling, as though he had not heard any blame note addressed to him.

Marie's grips fell open. Her anger had gone.

"I'm sorry. I didn't know why I said that."

"It's okay." A sheepish smile across the doctor's face. "''been getting used to that and I'm sorry... about your sister. You're right. Maybe we could have done more for her and a chemo would usually help, especially in a case like her, and you were the right donor for her, but we found that it's hard, especially after ..."

The doctor stopped, lump in his throat. He didn't have to explain further. Marie knew what had happened. " I know, doctor. You don't have to say  it.  My sister had lost her willingness to struggle long before she died. She  told me that she wanted to see our mother, she just... didn't want to see me cry."

Her tears dropped. The memory returned.

She had hoped, prayed, every single night for a miracle, but those last words of her sister had killed every hope  her sister had-- long before she finally shut her eyes, and now here she was, not able to forgive herself for being helpless and for not have given her sister more reasons to live.

"I-I should have done more for her. I should have been braver. It's- It's all my-"

"Hey." The doctor lifted her shoulders from falling down.

"It's not. It's not your fault. We could do nothing about it and even though she's gone now, I bet she's happier. She's in a better place."

"You-you believe in heaven?"  Marie stared at him. She had lost her faith years ago- at least believing that He's fair.

The doctor smiled. "From my experiences, seeing death and pain almost every day, at least that's what you can hold on to."

Marie heaved a light breath. Maybe, he's right... and she realized there were others more unfortunate than her. Even Rose's parents had died when she was twelve.  Marie still has her father alive, there beside her. And even though she couldn't see heaven or hell now, at least she could pray for her sister and her mother -  that's the only thing she could do.

"Then...." Marie snorted, lifting her shoulders  to erase any sadness that might have resided in her.

"I-I hope you're right. But- but you must do everything you could for my friend Rose. She doesn't deserve this. She's... she's nice."

"Beautiful," The doctor smiled, sending her shiver throughout her spine. "Every patient in the hospital doesn't deserve lying in a hospital bed. We'll do the best for her. Don't worry."

"I need to talk to her family. No one had come."

"Th-there's her brother, doctor." Marie sniffed. "But- but I couldn't find him when I went to her house this morning. What was it you wanted to tell him, doctor?"

"I just wanted to ask him some questions. But since you are her friend, maybe you've noticed recently about her condition? Was she getting tired lately, having fever or headaches?"

"She-she never told me about it. She never complained. Tell me, doctor. Is-is she going to be okay?"

“We hope so. She seems like a tough girl. Her blood pressure was very low last night, but slowly going back to normal and she’s okay now. Don’t worry.”

Marie fell into a shock after the young doctor lifted his right hand and then brushed the tears on the corner of her left eye.

"You shouldn't cry."

"Sorry." The doctor withdrew. "It's a reflex. I've washed my hands, though." 

He showed off his palms to her in a funny way. His eyes glowed. Marie laughed.

"You should  smile more, princess. You look prettier."

Blood rose to her cheek.  Marie could smell his minty breaths. His green eyes grew calmly.

Then... his phone suddenly rang. 

"Okay, I'm coming."

"I've got to run." He said, sliding his phone back into his pocket. "Do you want to see her now?"

"Eh... ." The muscles in Marie's forehead tightened. "I- I think... I'm... going to visit her later."

Her hands clenched, cursing herself for postponing the visit again.

She saw him shrugged. "Okay, if you say so.  I forgot to ask your name. Benjamin. Benjamin Lee. You can call me Ben." He offered her his hands.

"Ma-Marie Louvre, Doctor."

"Marie? Beautiful name." He smiled.

As she saw him running into the hospital building, a smile adorned her face. 

***

"Hi, Rose!" Keanna Johnston opened the window wide enough for the sun to fill in the patient's room. Her steps were light, cheerful as she always was.

In a minute, as she craned her neck outside the window, her lungs breathed the fresh air. "It's so beautiful out here." The sun was giving them light, breaking through the cracks of pane and into the patient's room. It warmed up the bed and penetrated into Rosaline's flesh. She was still sleeping beautifully. Her eyes closed tight. The electrocardiogram beeped in the same rhythmic.

"Okay, let's do check up."

The nurse whirled around and walked to one side of Rosaline's bed. Having placed a thermometer into Rosaline's tongue, she then took it out to see the result.

"It seems you're getting better, Rose." She exhaled a breath of relief -- almost let out a shrill. 

After putting the thermometer back into her pocket, she bowed down, giving Rose a massage on her left arm, and then turned to fix the blanket covering Rosaline's feet.

The nurse heaved a sigh as she stared at Rosaline's sleeping face. "Wake up soon, huh? Life is waiting for you to embrace your happiness. My father used to say that to me and I guess he's right,-" She lowered her head "Hey, have you known there's a boy sleeping outside? He's cute. I bet he's going to take you out once you wake up, huh?" She drew herself up and dropped her gaze to her watch. "I must leave now, but I'll come back at eleven. I promise."

"See you again, Rose!" Walking out of the door, the nurse left a trail of jasmine scent in the room.

In a few minutes, the door handle was being turned. A woman entered the room and trod lightly toward Rose's bed.

It was going to be a flick of time that her errand would be done. She took a hypodermic needle out of her pocket. One pushed harder and Rosaline would be gone forever.

”Rose my dear, sleep well, honey.”  She smiled atrociously.

To be Continued.

Notes:

Nurse Keanna Johnston is the daughter of Dave and Lila Johnston ;) (the fire fighter story)

I played Marie for a little, and this was just so sweet...

They shared secrets and her little sister secret was the fact that Marie was her best friend. It's so sweet. 

The woman with glasses (in this picture) is not their mother, but step mother.